You might be a redneck firefighter if….

To all my brothers and sisters who start out your radio transmissions with “Breaker, breaker..” of have the naked lady mud flaps on your apparatus, I offer these nuggets courtesy of

* You have ever been dispatched to a working “cow” fire

* You ever put out a cow chip fire
* Your PASS alarm goes “Yeee Haw”
* You dispatch center ever said “Y’all can’t miss it”
* You used your rescue air bags as furniture at the fire station
* You refill your air bottles at the local gas station “Free Air” hose
* Your department has a Rescue Bubba and a Rescue Cow for training
* You only wash down the floor in the station to “keep the dust down”
* Your radio call signal is “Wheee doggies”
* You have to mark the department out of service two weeks during deer season and every Sunday during the Winston Cup Race
* You bought a computer so you could get NASCAR Online on the Internet
* You count reading fire magazines in the bathroom as training hours
* Your last four fire department raffles were for a shotgun…and a member won it each time.
* You borrowed the department’s quick dump tank so you could have a neighborhood pool party
* Your safety officer is the person who broke his arm at the last house fire
* Your rehab consists of a cold beer and a pack of “nabs”
* Your last serious fire was your fire department BBQ
* You used your “good” fire house as a bumper on your boat dock
* You have a shotgun rack in the back of your fire truck….and got two bucks on your last call
* Your Hurst tool is on loan to the local body shop
* You use a hanging noose knot for all your rescue operations because it’s real adjustable
* You don’t allow a person to join the department unless they own a pickup
* You wore a hole in your fire boots….while wearing them at your full time job
* You keep 2 packs of “Red Man” in your turnout gear for “emergencies”
* Your departments brush truck doubles as your hunting truck
* You voted against the last person for chief because he was a Jeff Gordon fan
* You painted your new rescue truck to look like Earnhardt’s race car
* You borrowed the fire truck to use the spotlights for deer hunting
* The directions to your last house fire was “Go down past the last house you burnt up”….and you know exactly which house they are talking about
* You ever went diving in a swimming pool with your SCBA equipment…..just to see how it would work
* You must take the battery out of your tractor to put in the fire truck before you go on calls
* Your preacher borrows your PASS alarms each Sunday for church to keep the congregation awake
* You consider “2 in and 2 out” to be two guys in the cab and two on the tailboard of the truck
* The last girl you kissed was named Rescue-Annie and you enjoyed it so much you are thinking seriously about asking her out
* Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing while going to a scene
* Your firehouse has wheels
* You’ve ever got back and found you’ve locked yourself out of the firehouse
* Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire get’n drunk
* You’ve ever been toned out on an out house fire also if that out house fire was with entrapment
* You’ve ever let a person’s house burn down because they wouldn’t let you hunt their ground
* Your personal vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it
* You’ve ever walked through a Christmas display and walked away with at least 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck
* Your rescue truck can smoke the tires
* Your department’s name is misspelled on your equipment
* The nurses and doctors turn out the lights and hide when you show up at the hospital to get your equipment
* Dispatch can’t mention your name without laughing
* The local news crew won’t put your department on T.V. because you embarrassed them last time.
* You’ve ever locked the keys in your trucks
* You’ve ever referred to a light bar as sexy
* Your defibrillator consists of a marine battery, a pair of jumper cables, and a fish finder
* You’ve ever taken a girl out in a pumper
* Your pumper has been on fire more times than it’s been to a fire
* Your pumper smokes more than the house fire
* You’ve ever been arrested for indecent exposure at a house fire
* You’ve ever called it quits on a house fire when the beer got hot
* You’ve ever been late to a house fire because you had to stop and get the guy who fell off the truck
* You’ve ever stopped in route to pick up a road kill
* You hand out spit cans before each meeting
* You have a sign out front of your station that says will fight fires for beer
* Your equipment has chew stains down the sides of ‘em
* Everyone on your department is related in some way or another
* Your annual vacation plans depend on where the state EMS conference is held.
* You have as many ambulances in town as you do EMTs.
* You thought your first ambulance ” run ” would be a 5K.
* You think that the ABCs stand for ” Always Being on Call. ”



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John Mitchell

Firefighter/Paramedic and a Lieutenant in suburban Chicago

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